Photo: Alice in Wonderland directed by Tim Burton

September 24, 2023 update: A lot has happened since I first wrote this article in 2016. At the time I was in the process of opening up a relationship with a reluctant partner. Since then, that partner and I have divorced. My metamour, who was supportive for a year, changed her mind about polyamory, and my lover and I spent the next five years fruitlessly defending our relationship against her resistance. They are now divorced. For this new version, I have updated all pronouns to be gender nuetral (that was not as much of a thing in 2016). I am less inclined towards exploring partners making a lot of accomodations for reluctant partners while trying to date others. I am in favor of couples trying to work out their differences and educating themselves as much as possible before involving anyone else, and being ok with going seperate ways if they can’t work things out. I also appreciate my readers and fans providing feedback and their own stories that have refined my thinking on this topic. 

One of the most difficult experiences for people transitioning to polyamory is having a partner who is reluctant about having an open relationship. It usually goes like this: Two people are in a monogamous relationship. One of them learns about polyamory (or meets someone they are attracted to) and wants to explore relationships outside of the primary partnership. He or she broaches the topic with their partner. The partner reacts in a number of ways: 1) They are relieved or curious; 2) They are open-minded but scared and hesitant; 3) They are completely freaked out and resistant to opening the relationship. In this article we explore what an exploring polyamorist with a partner who responds with 2 or 3 can do to help them both transition to an open relationship. (Our next article will address what a reluctant partner can do in the same situation).

For the Exploring Partner

The challenge for the exploring partner is that they have an interest in doing something unconventional and has to overcome both their own internal barriers (acquired through years of social conditioning) to exploring and also their partner’s reluctance. Despite feeling that exploring would satisfy their needs, they don’t want to hurt their partner or leave them. In the best circumstance, working through their differences is an opportunity for both of them to grow and become stronger in their relationship. It is also possible that the resistant partner refuses and the relationship ends. But if you think that there is a good chance that your partner can accept and adapt, the transition to an open relationship can be successful if not painless.

Examine your reasons for being poly. Before you approach your partner with your interest in being poly, you need to get clear as to why you want to be poly. Do you have a need to connect intimately with people outside of your primary relationship? Do you crave sexual novelty and variety? Do you have an unmet need that your partner cannot fulfill? Is there a specific individual you want to connect with? What are your feelings towards your current partner?

There are many reasons to open a relationship, but experienced polyamorists will tell you that a bad time to attempt to open your relationship is when things are rocky between you and your partner. If the two of you are in the midst of a conflict, it’s a bad idea to try to bring another person into the relationship or subject your relationship to something as unsettling as polyamory. Polyamory can help couples, but it will rarely solve fundamental problems in their relationship. If your current relationship is one where you feel you can discuss difficult topics with your partner with trust and compassion, and your partner is someone who is open-minded and intellectually curious, then you will have a good chance that opening up can succeed. If you feel like hiding things from your partner or dread negative consequences, then maybe explore why that is first.

If your reasons for polyamory do have to do with your partner not meeting certain needs, explore what those are and ways to address them. For example, if your partner is not giving you the amount or quality of attention you need, express that need to your partner so they have a chance to remedy that with you. If your partner has a hard time understanding you, try to improve your communications rather than turning to someone else. Some couples get along very well but their sexual needs have diverged; this is a situation in which polyamory can be a good solution. One way in which polyamory can hurt couples is if they use it to avoid their problems rather than working them out. Like having a child, polyamory can make existing problems worse. It is also not fair to anyone who might come into the relationship to feel like they are crutch for your failing relationship.

A word to the wise: You must be prepared to allow your partner to explore as well. That may seem obvious but I cannot believe how many couples I have encountered who is all about their freedom but denies it to their partner. In my experience, that never works out. If you are wanting to explore but not open to your partner exploring as well, then you need to work on that internally before you even consider opening your relationship.

Do your homework. Polyamory is a complex topic and the more you can learn about it the better you will be able to deal with your partner’s questions and find a way to meet both of your needs. Learn about the landscape of non-monogamy, the spectrum of relating, and different types of sexuality. There are so many possibilities besides the traditional ones of monogamy, gender binary, and dyadic relationships. There is also a vast amount of literature on dealing with jealousy, resolving conflicts and improving communication. You may find that your relationship skills will be kicked into overdrive in the process of transitioning to polyamory. You will need to communicate your needs, really listen and respond to your partner’s needs, and find solutions that work for the both of you. All this can help you improve your communication and strengthen your relationship.

In addition to reading, it is very helpful to talk to experienced polyamorists and get your questions answered in real time. Polyamorous people tend to be an open bunch and many have gone through something similar to what you are going through, so most are happy to help. You can meet poly folks by joining groups online, on dating websites, and online forums. There are also blogs and websites devoted to polyamory where you can ask questions in the comments or contact sections. Meetup.com is a good way to find out if there are poly groups in your area. Many of them host discussion groups or social events where you can ask questions and talk to people. The nonprofit Lovingmore.com is dedicated to supporting the polyamory community and can help you locate resources in your area. Check out our Resources page for more information. Once you begin meeting people, it is extremely helpful to cultivate relationships with couples who have been in your situation and can talk at length about their experiences. Bring your partner to these discussions if they are willing. The more you can learn together the better you will be able to understand each other’s perspectives and avoid misunderstanding.

Introduce the idea to your partner in a nonthreatening way. The best time to introduce your partner to polyamory is before you are interested in dating someone specific. One way to start the conversation is by talking about the ways you are already open to other relationships. Perhaps you have opposite sex friends you socialize with. Perhaps you have exes that you still talk to. You may be surprised to learn that few monogamous relationships are truly monogamous, most are open to some sort of emotional/social/physical intimacy with others.

Begin by exploring the topic intellectually. Read a few articles on polyamory together, explore the benefits and drawbacks. Explore differences and similarities in the way you approach relationships. Learn about the five erotic blueprints. You may be surprised to find out how much there is to learn about your partner, yourself, and how much fun that could be. Explore resources such as books, articles, and podcasts. The process of examining one’s feelings and beliefs systems and questioning deeply held values can take months if not years.

Consider polyamory’s potential benefits to you, your partner, and your relationship. In general, polyamory can help couples…

• Have meaningful relationships that they wouldn’t otherwise have.
• Experience sexual and intellectual variety and learn new skills that can be used to enhance their relationship.
• Meet some unmet needs which would allow each to be a happier and better partner.
• Build a community of friends and lovers that add enjoyment to their lives and support in times of need.

There are also drawbacks, such as

• Dating and trying to find potential partners can be a long and frustrating process filled with rejection.
• Having more relationships requires more time, energy, and resources.
• Dealing with jealousy and difficult emotions on a regular basis.
• Dealing with inequities such as your partner having an easier time finding partners than you.

Talking to experienced polyamorists will give you some examples of the real benefits and drawbacks, which you won’t get by simply theorizing about them. By emphasizing the benefits to both partners, you avoid sounding like it’s all about getting what you want at the expense of your partner. Polyamory can be a win-win, even if only one of you is interested in exploring. Even just exploring intellectually can feel threatening and difficult, so be prepared to listen, understand, and have long discussions.

Try other forms of non-monogamy. Couples venturing into non-monogamy might find it easier to do some venturing together into lighter forms of non-monogamy. They might try a kink club where they go together and play with other partners while being in close proximity. They might try swinging where they find another couple who is also interested in experimenting. They might try casual encounters with others where there is no emotional attachment and no expectation to form long term relationships. Some partners agree on a “100 mile rule” where they engage in casual encounters when they are away at a conference or vacation apart from the other partner. Some couples are happy with these arrangements for a long time, others find them stepping stones for more engaged forms of non-monogamy.

Take time to think about it, but then jump in. In the old version of this article, I used to suggest that couples take incremental steps to dating seperately. By this I meant taking the steps of dating–looking at online profiles, chatting with matches, going on a first date, deepening the relationship–slowly and negotiate things with one’s orginial partner every step of the way. Today, I think this approach is more likely to lead to frustration and hurt than not. For any potential partners, this approach is also likely to generate frustation and not succeed in creating enjoyable connections.

Now, after ten years of polyamory and a lot of dating, I would advise taking as much time as needed to properly think through, discuss, and negotiate how you will open your relationship, but once you arrive at the point of actually meeting other people, to jump in fully without a lot of stipulations. A few reasons to take this approach:

• The process of becoming theoretically ok with opening up should not be rushed. Take lots of time to learn, talk to people, and discuss things with your partner.
• Once you start dating, it is difficult to control how the process unfolds. Online encounters can quickly progress to an in person meeting, and in person meetings can quickly progress into emotional and physical intimacy. Throwing up a lot of barriers for this process before it has even started is likely to result in 1) no one interested in dating you; 2) frustration for you and your new prospect if you do want to pursue your connection; 3) heartbreak and resentment if you do fall in love and then find out that your other partner is not ok with it.

Therefore, it is much better to work out as many objections as possible beforehand and assume that once you and your partner start dating others, you each will have little say over the other person’s relationships.

That is not to say you or your partner will immediately fall in love with someone else and have no control over what happens. The choice to go slow is a perfectly good choice for anyone who is looking for relationships, as long as one is clear to potential partners what their expectations are. If you’re really connecting with someone, maybe you don’t want to wait four weeks before you see them again, but you don’t have to see them every day either, even if you want to. There might be some in between pace that allows you to explore your connection with your prospective partner and adjust to the changes of an open relationship.

There is a temptation to freak out when your partner goes on a first date with someone else, or when they come back from that first date with excitement and momentum. Suddenly, you imagine your partner falling in love with someone else, abandoning you, and tearing your life apart. But more often than not, first dates do not lead to second dates, and second dates don’t lead to third dates. Personally, I find that it takes four dates before I can make up my mind about whether a sexual relationship is in the cards. If your partner is very skittish about other partners, you might have a rule to not share about any prospective partners until things have progressed to a fifth date. More than half the time, it’s likely that those first to fourth dates don’t turn into anything more and it’s no good getting you or your partner worked up about them. It is also very likely that even if your partner does fall head over heels, things don’t work out after a few weeks or months. It is better to let things run their course than resisting, which may just cause your partner to dig in their heels.

A word about rules: Many couples who are opening their relationship feel more comfortable to have rules for dating others. If you are going to have rules, they must apply to both partners, no exceptions. But rules should only be used as temporary guidelines to help with the transition. They need an expiration date and they need to be renegotiated periodically. Nobody likes to be told what they can and cannot do with someone else. Of course, rules about safe sex and being safe in general should be common sense, but micromanaging things such what kind of touching is allowed, what kind of activities, how much time the other person spends with the other person are not helpful and are bound to be broken. Don’t agree to those. It is very difficult to control what happens when you are falling in love with someone. If you have an agreement not to have sex, sex will happen. If you have an agreement not to kiss, kissing will happen. If you have an agreement that you will be home at a certain hour, you will be late. Then your partner will be all upset that you broke the rules and you will feel resentful towards your partner.

Instead, reassure your partner that you will behave responsibly, that you will call if you will be late or if anything happens, and tell them afterwards of what happened on your date, if they want to know. If a partner forgets to do something they said they would do, give them the grace to make mistakes. Things generally  get easier with practice. Let your partner know as much as possible about your activities ahead of time. Behaving responsibly earns your partner’s trust. Let them know you value their opinions on the people that you date.

Date someone experienced and mature. I would advise those new to poly to first date someone who has had polyamorous relationships before and is emotionally mature. If you try to introduce a potential lover to poly at the same time that you are introducing your partner to poly, things will get crazy. Your lover will be jealous, your partner will be jealous, and you will be stuck dealing with both of them at the same time. If you date an experienced polyamorist while you are opening your relationship, that person will likely understand and be more patient with what you are going through. They will be more likely to make an effort to help your partner feel comfortable and help you process your feelings.

No cuckolding. A cuckold is a husband with an adulterous wife. The word used as a verb means to embarrass or shame your partner by flaunting your lover infront of them. While it is unfortunate that our culture does not normalize compersion, it is still inconsiderate to make our mate feel inadequate by lavishing affection on someone else in front of them when they are struggling with non-monogamy.

For the sake of easing the transition to polyamory, it is a good idea for all secondary relationships to be kept low key at the beginning, at least in front of one’s primary partner. This means no PDA in front of one’s partner, and minimize talking about your lover with your partner (unless they ask). Maybe you keep phone calls and texting to a minimum when your partner is around. Keep conversations about your lover to logistics and things that have to be discussed.

Listen. Polyamory brings up strong emotions for reluctant partners ingrained in mainstream culture. Exploring partners need to be good listeners in order to help each other understand and overcome those difficult emotions. The reluctant partner may feel as if the exploring partner is leaving them behind for a new relationship so the act of listening and attending to the reluctant partner’s feelings reassures them that you still care.

It can be very hard for men especially to express the deep seated fears they have when it comes to polyamory. Thoughts such as “I’m afraid that you don’t love me anymore,” “I’m not good enough for you,” “I will be seen as a cuckold,” “I no longer have control” are difficult to admit even to oneself, much less to one’s partner. The exploring partner can help articulate these thoughts in the form of questions that the reluctant partner can respond to. Such as:

• Are you worried that I will love someone else more and leave you?
• Do you have experiences with infidelity in your past that are influencing the way you feel?
• Are you concerned about what others will think?
• Do you feel that you are losing control over our lives?
• Are you worried that you are not good enough?
• Do you wonder if you did something wrong that caused this?
• Do you fear that being intimate with others will cause us to not want to be intimate with each other?

Once you and your partner are able to articulate the reasons and feelings behind their reluctance, you can help them feel heard simply by repeating what they said in your own words.

Bear in mind that these are not issues that can be resolved in one conversation. Don’t try to have a difficult conversation when your partner is tired or distracted. One technique from The Ethical Slut is to schedule a certain amount of time, say 30 minutes, when the two of you can focus on one issue. Have the conversation, stop when the time is up, and schedule another time when you can continue the conversation. Let what was said sink in for a while and bring your reflections to the next conversation.

Provide reassurances. All of the fears listed above are very legitimate fears and they can all be dealt with through loving communication. In addition to helping your partner feel heard, you can reassure them that you still love them and want to be with them. Words are important, but actions help too. Here are some ways to respond to common fears:

• Feeling unloved: Franklin Veaux said that if his partner says she feels jealous, the first thing he says is, “Do you want to cuddle?” What does your partner need to feel loved? Physical affection? Sex? A romantic date? Words of love and affirmation? Maybe it’s doing them a favor or giving them a gift. Understand your partner’s “love language” and actively provide it to them.
• Fearing abandonment: You could reassure them of your love and commitment. Pull out your wedding vows and say them to them again. Visit the places where you fell in love, got engaged or got married and reaffirm your commitment to each other. Spend quality time bonding. Remind them of the things that drew you to them.
• Feeling inadequate: Praise your partner and remind them of all the reasons you love them. Express appreciation often and authentically.
• Feeling out of control: Keep your partner in the loop about your activities. Avoid drastic changes and keep your life as normal as possible. Discuss changes and shifting expectations before they happen.
• Feeling concerned about what others might think: Reassure them that you will wait until they feel comfortable before coming out about your poly status to others. Do not discuss your affairs with others.

Think of polyamory as a scale. Every time that you come back from being with someone else, balance the scale by spending more time connecting and expressing love to your partner than you normally would.  Together, brainstorm ways that the two of you can address concerns and feel safe moving forward.

Help your partner find a lover. If your partner is open to exploring as well, helping them find a partner can accelerate their understanding of polyamory and enjoyment of its benefits. Browse online dating profiles together. Encourage them to pursue someone they are attracted to. Introduce them to people that they may be attracted to. Some exploring partners go so far as to insist that their reluctant partner explore new relationships first. The more you can demonstrate your lack of jealousy, the more they may do the same for you.

Be patient. You probably have felt poly your whole life and are predispositioned to viewing it favorably. Your partner could be very different. Maybe their parents broke up as a result of infidelity. Maybe they’ve been cheated on in the past. Maybe they grew up with the view that sex is immoral or dangerous. It can take a long long time to undo a lifetime of indoctrination of one of the most deeply seated beliefs of civilization. If you push them too hard they may get more resistant. I have heard of couples who took a decade to consider polyamory, and those that took no time at all. How successful you will be depends on how open your partner is and how patient you are willing to be.

Own your position. You may feel you that polyamory is right for you and potentially good for your relationship. But in my experience, when I was confronted with my beloved’s pain, anger, tears, and resistance, it was incredibly hard not to give in just to make all the madness stop. Coupled with guilt at hurting your loved one, you will also feel the same insecurities that your partner feels, including, “Will they leave me?” “Will they still love me?” “What will other people think?” “Am I just a slut?” The pressure to give in will be internal as well as external, and likely the hardest part about doing any of this. But you will not do yourself or your partner any favors by giving in. Your desire to explore will likely not go away, and repressing it for the sake of your partner will probably not work in the long run.

The only way to become polyamorous is to own your position, even if that means your current relationship ends as a result. If your partner is not able to accept you as you are, or allow you to grow into the person you want to be, perhaps you are better off not being together. People change and sometimes their lives become incompatible, and that is not either one’s fault. Seperating graciously may be the best option.

It helps a lot to have a polyamorous friend/mentor who can support you through it. Whenever the pain becomes overwhelming and you feel like giving up, talking to this person can give you the courage to go on. In addition you can turn to online forums and support groups, as well as continuing to read  poly literature. Remind yourself that

• You deserve to be happy.
• It is not wrong to want to love more than one person.
• True love is not posession, is not control.
• You are not responsible for your partner’s happiness.

Opening up and becoming polyamorous can be a rewarding process full of emotional and spiritual growth. It can help couples learn more about each other and become better communicators and grow closer. It can also mean realizing that you are not right for each other. Both of these things happened with my reluctant partner. They came to accept my polyamory, and we realized we were not right for each other. Pain and discomfort is often an inevitable side affect of change. No matter what happens, you have our support and conviction that even if your partner does not get on board, you have the right to be true to yourself.