I love relationships. I believe that a long term anchor relationship gives us the opportunity to experience joy and personal growth in a way that really nothing else can, and that relationships require work, patience, and compromise. In addition, long term anchor relationships often have a lot at stake besides the relationship itself: children, family, friends, money, property, and memory, therefore, I understand why people hold onto relationships long after they have become unfulfilling. However, sometimes a relationship needs to dissolve, no matter how much one wants to work things out, for the sanity of all involved. When one is pushed to the point of compromising one’s values, core needs, and health, it’s time to admit that a relationship is no longer salvageable and it’s best to let go.

So here’s 10 reasons for calling it quits:

Your basic relationship needs are ignored. I get that in poly it’s not about satisfying all of one’s needs through one partner. But there are some basic expectations that makes someone a life partner rather than a professional colleague or platonic friend, though I guess they could be both.  Typically these include physical affection, sex, in-person quality time, regularity and consistency in communication, supporting you in times of need. You can have a good relationship if your partner doesn’t share your love of vintage black and white photography or your penchant for greyhounds, but what if your partner is not physically affectionate with you, hardly ever spends quality time with you, is not someone you can talk to, and is more often critical of you than complimentary? Do you stay with them, hoping that a second relationship will meet the basic needs you can’t get met through your primary? What if you’re in a secondary relationship and that restricts you from having the kind of relationship you want with your partner? Do you stay together even though the level of connection is far from what you want? Is polyamory a euphemism for “I’ll take whatever I can get?” I hope not. Just because we’re not restricted to one relationship, doesn’t mean the bare minimum is enough. If your partner does about as much for you as a professional colleague or platonic friend, maybe you should reconsider their status in your life. Remember: 

Your partner always sees their needs as more important than yours. You have something important to discuss with your partner, but they put you off for days because they’re not in the mood. Your partner needs help with something, but they get upset when you tell them that you are in the middle of something important and will get to them later. You need more quality time with your partner but they are too tired, too busy, or it’s too inconvenient….always. You need them to take care of the kids for the weekend so that you can have some time with your best friend who you haven’t seen in a year, but they make a big stink about it. Loving partners will do things for you even when it’s inconvenient or not interesting to them, but when your partner is a narcissist, they don’t care what your needs are. All that matters is theirs, and they are upset with you if you don’t satisfy their needs.

Your partner is unable to compromise. If one person wants to go to bed early and snuggle, and the other person wants to stay up late and surf the internet, they can compromise by going to bed together some time in between, or have some days where they go to bed together and snuggle, and some days where they go to bed at separate times. If one person is messy and the other person is neat, the neat partner can loosen up a little and the messy partner can try harder to pick up after himself. But when a relationship is dysfunctional, one or both partners is unable to compromise. They have to have it their way regardless of how you feel about it, or they lack the imagination to find a solution so they give up. The other partner’s dissatisfaction is not a problem that they concern themselves with.

Your partner does not treat you with respect. Your partner interrupts your phone conversation for an extended exchange. Your partner spreads out their stuff all over the living room and leaves it out for days, even though you need the space too and you don’t like the mess. Your partner turns the TV on when you’re in the middle of a phone job interview. Your partner calls and texts you multiple times when they know you are on a date with your other partner (and it’s not an emergency). Your partner takes phone calls and responds to texts multiple times when you are on a date with them. Your partner is often late or cancels at the last minute. Being in a relationship with your partner should not feel like working for an overbearing boss. Treating someone with respect is something we should expect from everyone. Ask yourself, would you allow someone you are dating to treat you this way? Would you allow a friend to treat you this way? If the answer is no, why would you allow your partner to treat you this way?

Your partner blames you and refuses to take responsibility. When your relationship isn’t going well, your partner blames you and refuses to take any responsibility for their contributions. If your partner isn’t happy, it’s your fault. If your finances are a shambles, it’s your fault. If your date didn’t turn out as expected, it’s your fault. They expect to be taken care of, satisfied, and entertained, and if things are not going as well as they want, they don’t want to take any responsibility for making it better. To them, taking responsibility would mean admitting that they were wrong, and their self-esteem is too fragile to handle that. 

Your partner does not honor mutual agreements. Your partner has unprotected sex with someone new, and then is mad at you when you do the same. You make plans to spent time with your partner, and they act like its a huge hardship to spend time with you. Your partner relies on you for taking care of things around the house, paying bills, or taking care of children, but you can’t depend on them to do the same when you need them to. Your partner feels free to do whatever they want with their partner, but doesn’t allow you to have the same freedom. People are human and they do make mistakes, but when your partner does not extend the same privileges that they feel entitled to, and imposes rules that they do not follow themselves, then something is wrong.

Your partner does not respect your other partner(s). When your partner vetoes your relationship with your other partner (in my case, after the relationship has been underway for more than a year); When your partner does not respect that your other partner also needs your time and attention. When your partner interrupts your date with your other partner with their phone calls and texts. When your partner resents you helping your other partner. When your partner restricts your ability to spend time or express affection for your other partner(s). When your partner is not grateful when your other partner does something nice for you or for them.

Your partner’s needs are completely incompatible with yours. Your partner wants a sexually and emotionally monogamous relationship with you, and you want to be a relationship anarchist. Your partner wants to live like a Real Housewife and you want to live like a hippie monk. Your partner has always dreamed of having a child and you don’t. Your partner wants to see you once a month and you want to see them every week. Your partner needs a lot of space in a relationship and you need a lot of intimacy. A lot of problems can be worked out by compromising and meeting your partner half way, but sometimes your interests are so far apart that meeting half way is not enough, or it’s too much. People are often times flexible and adaptable, but we shouldn’t expect that a partner will completely change who they are for us, or that we should change who we are for them. Rather than making both people miserable, it may be time to go separate ways so you can both live the life you want.

Your partner does not do their share of the finances, chores, childcare, relationship maintenance and other joint responsibilities. A relationship isn’t about making everything fifty fifty. Sometimes one partner makes a lot more money than the other, or are skilled at things the other partner isn’t. In times of hardship, one partner often does more to support the other. However, if your relationship is very lopsided, and there is no external reason for the imbalance (such as an illness or a job that takes the person away from home a lot), then this is a sign that your partner has checked out of the relationship. Do they leave all the childcare and housecare to you?  Are you always the one planning things to do together? Are you always the one traveling to your partner, and they never make the effort to travel to you? If one person is doing the lion’s share of maintaining the relationship or the household, and the other person is just coasting, then you need to talk about it, and not just accept that because you’re the woman/man/breadwinner/older/younger person in the relationship, it’s your lot in life. 

Your body sends distress signals. When you are in a physically or emotionally toxic environment, your body reacts to it and sends signals to let you know that a change of course is needed. We know that stress depresses the immune system, increases inflammation, damages DNA, and accelerates aging. Symptoms include insomnia, high blood pressure, weight loss or gain, bowel problems, headaches, susceptivity to the common cold and other infections, fatigue, irregular menstrual cycles, among other things.

A bad marriage or dysfunctional relationship is as bad for one’s health as a toxic work or living environment. But people are often more willing to leave a bad job than they are willing to leave a bad relationship. Like the proverbial frog in the pot, we are remarkably adaptable to suffering and resistant to change. So we allow the status quo to continue, and succumb to addiction or depression for many years before we realize we have a problem. Sometimes it requires something drastic like a cancer diagnosis to shake us up to how far we’ve let things slide. So please, pay attention to what your body is experiencing. A loving relationship should make you feel healthier, not make you sick. 

I know of people who remained in toxic and dysfunctional relationships for far too long in the hopes that their partner would change, for the sake of the children, because they were afraid of the unknown future, etc. Those who did ultimately get divorced reported remarkable improvements in their wellbeing and wonder why they didn’t do it sooner. Polyamory is not a bandaid for dysfunctional relationships that should come to an end. Using other partners as a way to cope with a dysfunctional relationship is a deeply shitty way to treat people you love.

If you’re thinking that you should stick it out even though your relationship is unfulfilling, ask yourself why. Your children would rather you be happy; other people care a lot less about your life than you think. Their disapproval is nothing compared to you living in misery every day. What helped me finally jump ship was my friend saying to me, “Is it possible for the two of you to stay together in a passable but unfulfilling relationship? Yes, but why? You are not marooned together on an island; you are not the last humans on earth; the peace of nations doesn’t depend on your union. To what end are you sacrificing your own happiness?” I imagined myself waking up 15 years from now, in the same state of misery, wondering why I didn’t end it years ago. Don’t let this happen. Change is always hard, but on the other side of it is the rest of your life, only better. 

Artwork by Dina Goldstein, “In the Dollhouse”